I like the word build. It is a word that expresses accumulative effort. It tells the story of going from nothing to something. In life, one of the things we certainly put our accumulative effort into building is trust.
The strongest bond in a relationship is trust. Be it a relationship with a family member, friend, peer, co-worker, or anyone else. Trust is the building block of a relationship. Trust is something that we are sub-consciously aware of but rationally don't think much about.
In this article, let’s dig deeper into what trust is and how to build it better.
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The trust equation |
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Trust is personal |
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Taking risks |
The trust equation
By using the trust equation, the trustworthiness of a person can be understood. For example, have you ever wondered why you trust John but not Vince? The trust equation will explain it.
The trust equation
Credibility refers to being convincing. Does the person seem convincing in what they do? For example, if John has great drawing skills, you will have no worries about asking him to help draw a portrait because John’s credibility in drawing is high. So, the more credibility that person has, the better your trust in that person will be.
Reliability means consistency in what the person does. For instance, despite the different challenges John faces every time, he still gives his best in his drawings, for he is a person you can count on. Reliability: the more consistent they are in delivering, the better your trust in that person will be.
Intimacy, in this context, means how close the person is to you. If John happens to be your best friend, it will just feel natural to trust him more. Intimacy: the more you know about the person, the better your trust in them will be.
Self-orientation is defined as a person's concern for their own desires, needs, or interests. To elaborate, the more the person cares about themselves, the more self-oriented the person is, hence the less trust you will have in them. On the contrary, the more selfless the person is, the more you will trust them.
Trust is personal
Psychologically, by default, we have been hardwired to be trusting. This is because humans are social animals. Deep in our subconscious, we are already aware that, in order to overcome future unforeseen adversity greater than ourselves, we will need the strength of others. It is why we seek relationships by starting friendships, families, tribes, and eventually civilizations. Mankind achieves all of these with trust as the building block.
In modern times, the same is still true; it is why great organisations, happy marriages, or true friendships last. We might think it's love, but the foundation of love is also trust. There is simply no “us” without trust.
Interestingly, in every relationship we have, whether with our sibling, our co-worker, or the cashier at the grocery store, there will be a varying degree of trust. For example, you may trust John more than Vince; this reflects that your relationship with John is stronger (higher trust) but weaker (lower trust) with Vince. Therefore, trust is never equal for everyone but rather personal.
Why do you trust John more? Why do you trust Vince less? Refer to the trust equation for guidance on finding the answer within you.
High trust in the relationship will very often lead to our actions being more profound. When we do something for someone we trust, we tend to give more because, deep down, we know that our emotional investment will likely be met with an equal, if not higher, emotional return. We feel like it is worth doing, and for the people we trust, absolutely. Hence, trust can be empowering.
One common theme among the successful is that they have high-trust relationships with someone significant in their lives.
The true test of trust is adversity. The higher the trust in the relationship, the greater the adversity they will be able to overcome together, resulting in even higher trust.
On the flip side, in adversity, should they decide not to trust any more, then the relationship will not stand the test of time.
Still, no matter how strong, it is nevertheless possible to break trust. It breaks with actions that lead to the opposite values of the trust equation, and as a result, the relationship will suffer. Can a relationship be repaired once trust is broken? Yes, but it will take a lot more to redeem it than to build it in the first place.
Taking risks
With the trust equation, we know how to spot trustworthiness in others.
The next thing to know is: how do we attract trustworthy people to us? For the reason that everyone would want someone trustworthy in their life, isn’t it? Trustworthy people are great, but the only “problem” they commonly have to be that they are only interested in forming relationships with other trustworthy people.
The answer to having a trustworthy person is to start becoming one ourselves. We do so by taking the risk of initiating it in hopes of earning their trust.
The risk is referred to when there are concerns and "but". The risk can be large or small.
Taking the risk means you're already aware of it, and despite that, you still persist in overcoming it.
The trust equation can be used to measure the trustworthiness of ourselves as well, to improve our credibility, reliability, and intimacy with others while lowering our self-orientation as much as possible.
In other words, we work to qualify ourselves for the people we desire.
Whereas we cannot change others, we can only strive to make ourselves who we want to be. Here, we want trustworthy people in our lives, so we use the trust equation as guidance to improve ourselves into a more trustworthy person. This is not going to be easy, as there are risks in the process, but at the same time, overcoming the risks we take is what makes us trustworthy.
At the end of the day, the person you choose to take a risk with is the person you choose to trust. The actions you take over time are an accumulative effort; when the person feels it, they give back. This is how you earn their trust. If they do not give back, it’s okay because you improved your trustworthiness along the way.
You have become better, for the next person who will deserve you. Remember, trustworthy people are great.
